Sherlock Coping with the Past
by phaedraphelan
Summary: Sherlock is forced to revisit the circumstances of his life before he became sober and must come to terms with that. Joan helps him to move on.
1. Chapter 1

**Sherlock Coping with the Past**

**By phaedraphelan **

**Summary: How Sherlock is comforted by Joan when his anxieties overwhelm him. A tag to episode 3:16.**

**Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS. No infringement is intended.**

**Sherlock had been profoundly saddened and shaken when the case of Maria Gutierrez took him back to that time when he was in the depths of drug addiction. It was Joan who steadfastly assured him that she did not believe him to be capable of murder.**

**"I know that you know me better than anyone, but I was a different man when I was in the throes of heroin addiction," Sherlock said in frustration as he showed Joan an old blurred and barely recognizable photo from those days.**

**"Are you saying that you were Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll? I don't believe it. You did not do this thing, Sherlock!"**

**Joan grabbed him by both arms when she saw the look of sheer panic, even horror upon his handsome features. He was shaking as he contemplated the possibility that he had committed murder without even remembering it.**

**"Joan, I have such profound shame at my thoughtless course that led me down that rabbit hole of life-threatening addiction. I cannot even remember half of what I did during that time and I was glad to be unable to remember that terrible time, hoping that I had not done anything that brought permanent harm to anyone."**

**"But your core persona is sensitive and caring. That is why I have confidence to say that you could not do what they are accusing you of doing. I know this, Sherlock. You would never hurt a woman. You would never take sexual liberties with a woman without her permission. You came into my bedroom time and again and into my personal things but you never put a move on me."**

**"I have never forced myself sexually upon any woman. That would be anathema."**

**"And that is what I love about you. Even now that we have come together sexually you do not presume, but you always ask for permission. And yet you and I know that you are very passionate."**

**Sherlock stared into her dark eyes, trying to believe her words.**

**"You really do love me?"**

**"I can't help loving you, Sherlock. I have loved you and continue to love you in your worst moments in spite of myself."**

**"God, Joan!"**

**Joan and Sherlock stood transfixed, their eyes locked in a moment so personal and profound that it stunned them both; but at that moment there was a knock on the door and Sherlock opened it to the detectives who had previously questioned him. They had come to arrest Sherlock and Joan stood powerless to prevent it as they took him away.**

**When the door closed behind Sherlock and the detectives, Joan crumpled to her knees. She could not bear to think of Sherlock incarcerated, lost to her again after their recent reconciliation. After Andrew's death this was the last straw and Joan was left grief stricken at the sight of the man she loved being taken away.**

**She could not move from the spot on the floor as she sobbed in frustration. But she knew that there was something that they were missing and she knew that this was what was needed now and finally she pulled herself together and set about to find it.**

**Later after the case was solved, Sherlock went to find Oscar, his old drugging partner, to offer him an opportunity to clean himself up from his addiction at Herndale, but Oscar rejected the offer forthwith. He was too far gone to be helped at this point.**

**Joan sat up waiting for Sherlock to return. She had sensed that Sherlock wanted to help Oscar out of the morass of drugged intoxication that he had sunk into. She knew that this case had been particularly difficult for Sherlock because of his own personal history that had been bound up in it somehow, that he had had to do some personal soul-searching over the outcome.**

**Sherlock came back home from seeing Oscar to find Joan lying on the sofa. She had fallen asleep waiting for him to return. Sherlock knelt to kiss her on her forehead and then gently drew off her slippers and put his head on Joan's lap.**

**"Umm, Sherlock," Joan murmured, as she put her hands into his hair. **

**"I need you, Joan. I need you so at times like this. You are the only one who can give meaning ****to my life."**

**"I am here for you, Sherlock. I need you too. You are my man and I am your woman."**

**"Oh, Joan . . ." Sherlock groaned passionately, as he buried his head against her belly.**

**Sherlock pushed up Joan's silk skirt so that he could kiss her thighs, and when they fell partially open at the touch of his lips, he gently slipped his hand between them and squeezed her tender flesh.**

**"Sherlock . . ." Joan caught her breath at his touch.**

**Sherlock bent to inhale deeply her personal scent as he laid his head upon the soft mound above her thighs.**

**"Oh, Sherlock, my dear Sherlock," Joan moaned as she opened her legs completely to him and he began to kiss and stroke her intimately. **

**"Please tell me "yes" tonight. I beg you, luv." Sherlock said the words that always opened Joan's heart completely to him.**

**"Yes, Sherlock . . . Yes!" **

**Sherlock picked Joan up and carried her through to his bedroom where they undressed together in the soft light of the bedside lamp.**

**When Joan removed Sherlock's shirt and pushed his trousers down, she could clearly see the black and blue bruises on his body from the beating he had suffered earlier in the week. She gasped and touched and kissed the black and blue marks on his chest and those on his hips very gently.**

**"I am so sorry. I know these still hurt, baby. Are you sure that you are up to this tonight? Maybe you should let me rub you down with some Bio-Freeze to relieve the soreness and just go to sleep."**

**Sherlock's eyes were fixed on Joan in that manner that left no question as to his intentions as he shook his head and ignored her offer to attend to his bruised body. His evident excitement had already reached the point where his hands were shaking and he was helpless to control himself.**

**"I love you, Joan. I love you so very much. I need you so at times like these. I need someone who believes in me, who does not view me as the useless piece of humanity that I felt like when I realized that I remembered nothing about a case that resulted in the death of an innocent young woman."**

**"I know you, Sherlock, and I love you, but I don't want to hurt you, and your injuries will hurt you when it happens for you.**

**"I know it will hurt, but I need you, Joan. I need you desperately. . . to comfort me."**

**Sherlock kissed her breasts over and over almost reverently and then Joan drew him closer and he suckled each of her dainty nipples in turn as she cherished him against her breasts, burying her face in his hair.**

**"Sherlock, yes, baby, I do love you so. I will comfort you. I will always be here for you, baby."**

**Sherlock lifted his head to meet her eyes and his own eyes were full of tears that spilled over as their lips met in a tender kiss that quickly deepened into the passion that they both were beginning to know well as they sobbed and clung together. As they tasted and possessed each other's mouths in kisses that carried them along to that inevitable point, they began to vibrate helplessly in each other's arms.**

**"I need you. I love you, Joan . . . so much more than I can really say. Oh, woman . . . my heart is so full . . . so full tonight."**

**Joan wrapped her legs around Sherlock's hips as their bodies joined and began to rock slowly in the rhythm they knew so well. They were so caught up in each other and the physical and emotional connection between them that nothing else existed for them in the world. They did not rush. They took their time as they rocked for the better part of an hour, stopping ever so often so that they could stave off the climax and extend the time of their exquisite pleasure together. This was the beauty of their moments together, the thing that made each time they came together so satisfying to the both of them. They were both completely devoted to pleasuring the other and caught up in that very moment to the exclusion of all other conscious thought.**

**"Sherlock . . . I'm gone! Help me, baby!" Joan dug her nails into Sherlock's shoulders, unable to hold back the orgasm any longer.**

**"Oh, God help me! Please God!" Sherlock gasped out to the God that he refused to acknowledge otherwise as he reached the point when he knew that his own release was imminent.**

**Sherlock had to cry out in pain as the paroxysms of orgasm began to wrack his body and cause intense pain because of the beating he had sustained earlier in the week. But he ignored the pain as his semen began to spurt from him. **

**"Oh, Sherlock! Yes, Sherlock!" Joan wailed his name as the climax began deep inside her.**

**Both their bodies were seized with spasm after spasm as the summit rolled over both of them at the same moment. Then Joan just melted in surrender to him, incoherent in Sherlock's arms, gasping as she capitulated in his arms.**

**"Joan . . . luv . . . luv, thank you for believing in me. Thank you, luv."**

**"I can't . . . can't help loving you. . . can't help it, Sherlock . . . I love you . . . so much."**

**Sherlock kissed Joan all over her face and their tears flowed and mingled together as they whispered words of love they shared only at times like this. **

**"Oh, God, Joan! I'm hurting but I can't stop now!" Sherlock moaned in pain and then nearly laughed at the same time.**

**He rolled onto his back drawing Joan on top of him as his passions surged mightily again. **

**"Ooh, Sherlock . . . Sherlock, I can't bear to see you in pain."**

**"I've missed this so much. I need to be with you all the time, Joan. I don't care about the pain. Sometimes I feel as if my testes will burst if I can't be with you. I love you so. It's you, Joan, only you who can give me relief in my flesh."**

**Sherlock was caught up in his passions again, the pressure from the fullness in his testicles intensifying incrementally as Joan straddled him and gave him even more of what he craved.**

**"You are . . . beautiful . . . so beautiful! Oh, God, Joanie! Oh, God!" **

**Sherlock was in agony, his eyes flooding with tears from the pain in his body but the ecstasy from the sensations of extreme pleasure he was experiencing overrode everything else and he gripped Joan's hips tightly as he cried out and ejaculated powerfully.**

**"Yes, Sherlock, yes! Ooh, Sherlock!" Joan gasped as they both saw stars together again.**

**In the low light of the bedside lamp Sherlock watched Joan's eyes roll back into her head, heard her teeth chattering as he drew her down onto his chest again and kissed her open mouth. All the while his pelvis jerked upward again and again in concert with hers till they were both spent. Finally he just smoothed her long black hair that was spread all over his chest as, all the while Joan crooned his name softly to him as they eased down from the incredible moment of sexual communion into a state of peace.**

**Sherlock turned down the bedside lamp, holding her close as he drifted off to sleep. Later he wakened to Joan tenderly massaging his bruised body with a soothing analgesic cream that smelled strongly of wintergreen and camphor, kissing each one of the black and blue bruise marks on his chest and hips.**

**"Thank you, luv . . . Thank you. Umm, that feels so good."**

**"Just rest, Sherlock, and go back to sleep. You will feel better tomorrow."**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sherlock Coping with the Past Chapter 2**

**By phaedraphelan **

**Summary: Sherlock and Joan both have to help each other get over past mistakes that weigh upon their minds. Sherlock feels the need to redeem himself and give back. You guys have to let me know what you think. Please review.**

**Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS and no infringement is intended.**

**Sherlock wakened in the early morning hours after Joan had comforted him. Joan was sleeping on his arm, her long hair strewn upon him, her tiny hand resting upon his chest over his heart. Sherlock caught her hand and brought it to his lips and tenderly kissed her fingertips.**

**Joan murmured in her sleep and moved even closer to Sherlock and Sherlock held her close. He was overwhelmed as he reflected on her loyalty to him, her steadfast confidence that he would not have hurt anyone, much less killed someone, even when under the influence of heroin.**

**As he lay there with Joan in his arms, Sherlock shed silent tears of gratitude to Joan for having such faith in him. That time of drug addiction was so murky, so blurred in his mind that now when he dwelled upon it, it was truly frightening to him. He shivered involuntarily at the reminiscence and the movement in his body wakened Joan.**

**"Sherlock . . . is everything okay?"**

**"Yes, luv, I'm sorry to waken you. I was simply caught up in a moment of reflection. And I still don't remember Miss Maria Gutierrez. That time is a blank in my memory."**

**Joan reached up to touch his face and felt the wetness of his silent tears.**

**"I don't deserve you, my dear Watson. I dare say that I don't deserve you at all. ****You are such a kind and generous soul. How could you be so sure about me, that I could not have killed that innocent girl."**

**"Because I know you. And I have never been afraid of you, Sherlock. Even when you were your craziest, hanging from the chandeliers, I did not fear you, you know that. Even Jamie Moriarty as evil as she was did not cause you to want to kill her. She had you shot, but you did not seek to harm her physically in retaliation. Remember that I was the one that dug Proctor's bullet from your shoulder. And there was no rancor in you even then."**

**"I distinctly remember your words. 'Let's get this bitch!'"**

**"I had no shortage of rancor when I realized the extent of her perfidy, Sherlock. That is why I know that you didn't kill that poor girl."**

**The next morning Joan wakened with a still slumbering Sherlock wrapped around her and she lay quietly in his embrace luxuriating in the after effects of their early morning moments. Normally Sherlock was the first one up from bed ready to attack the day and she smiled to herself, glad to see that she had the capacity to exhaust her man sexually. Sometimes he was so intensely passionate when he claimed her that it took all that she had to meet and match his energy. He had been so needy when he came back to her the night before, begging her to accept him and then sobbing when he found his release. **

**Sherlock stirred finally as Joan's fingers ran through his hair.**

**"Joan, thank you, luv. You are an amazing woman, darling."**

**"I was just taking care of you. You were so in need last night."**

**Sherlock's warm flesh was encircling hers and his beautiful hands were searching all over her body. There was no resistance in her at all as she lay so close to him that she inhaled the very scent of him, that she felt the pounding of his heart as his desire rose in him and he at the same time wakened the deepest passionate response in her. Her own heart was throbbing with expectation as his slender fingers found their mark.**

**"Sherlock!" Joan gasped as she gripped his shoulders with all her power as her passions overwhelmed her. "I . . . I love you so much." **

**Sherlock took Joan at that moment in the early morning hours and she moaned softly as she accepted him once again. **

**Sherlock came to his bedroom with a breakfast tray later in the morning. Sherlock was evidently happy, a completely different man from the night before when he had been in the depths of despair. He brought a tray with Cheerios and fresh blueberries and a pot of coffee and sat it beside the bed.**

**Joan sat up in bed and wrapped herself in Sherlock's dark blue woolen robe and accepted the bowl of cereal from him and looked into his eyes. All his feelings were evident in his eyes as he stared at Joan and then watched her eat the cereal as he sipped the coffee from his cup.**

**"You make me blush when you look at me like that, Sherlock."**

**"I was just thinking about how glad I am to have you in my life, Joan. You make me very happy. You make me better than I ever thought I could be. Do I make you happy, Joan? I need to know that I am what you need in a man."**

**Joan took his cup of coffee from his hands and set it on the table by his bed and set her bowl of cereal beside it as she climbed onto his lap and kissed him on his mouth.**

**"Joan . . . Joan," Sherlock gasped as she answered his question in a most graphic manner.**

**It was a while before they spoke an intelligible word again.**

**Sherlock was still consumed with his concerns for Oscar, his former drugging partner. Sherlock had met Oscar early in his addiction to heroin. Oscar had been a brilliant graduate student at Columbia University before his plunge into drug abuse, an impeccably dressed and brilliant married man who seemed to give no indication of his weakness for heroin. Sherlock was determined to continue to try to get him to go to a drug treatment facility. **

**"We should visit Oscar's family. His wife tried to get him to seek help when he first started down that path, but he could never pull himself back to the reality of his situation."**

**"Sherlock, Oscar is pretty far gone. Are you setting yourself up for failure?"**

**"I can't leave him like that. Do you realize the probability of my relapsing if I had not found you? Your companionship saved me, Watson. Come along now, we have to do this."**

**Sherlock and Joan drove to Riverdale to find Oscar Hillerman's wife. Sylvia Hillerman lived in a coop apartment there with their teenage children. When they arrived in Riverdale, they found Sylvia Hillerman totally wrung out emotionally by the effects of her husband's addiction. Just an attempt to speak on the matter caused her to break down in tears.**

**"Mr. Holmes, I don't know if you can imagine how much pain Oscar's problems have brought upon us as a family. I have tried to maintain hope but it is so . . . difficult. My children have lost all respect for their father. I have not divorced him, but that is the next step."**

**"Mrs. Hillman, I will confess to you that three years ago I was a heroin addict right there with Oscar. I was forced into rehab by my father. I was not given a choice. And then I met this woman with me, Joan Watson, who worked with me as a sober companion to take me the rest of the way. The Hemdale facility broke up the chain of addiction and put me on track to recover. My suggestion to you would be to stage an intervention as a last ditch effort to help him. If money is an issue, I am willing to pay half of what will be necessary to try to get Oscar back on track."**

**"That is very generous, Mr. Holmes. Have you seen him lately?"**

**"I did. He was selling counterfeit handbags on a side street in lower Manhattan. He was in rather bad shape. I asked him then to check himself into Hemdale but he refused. Most addicts have to hit rock bottom before accepting help. You could have him picked up and committed. I do work as a consultant with NYPD and can set things up for you to do this."**

**"Oscar was a brilliant academic, Mr. Holmes." She looked at Joan when she spoke next. "I sense that you know what it means to love someone who has an addiction."**

**"Yes, I do. And I know what it means for an addict to know that those who love him have not given up on him."**

**"I will think about this seriously, discuss it with my children and I will contact you later tonight with my decision. Will that be alright?"**

**"That will be fine. We will await your call."**

**Sherlock and Joan took their leave of Sylvia Hillman and headed back to Brooklyn. They drove by the spot where Oscar hung out in lower Manhattan and were surprised to find him missing.**

**"I have a certain uneasiness, Joan. Let's stop by that basement room where he lives and see if he is okay."**

**"You worry that he may overdose?"**

**"Yes, I saw all the signs that he was headed in that direction. . . that irrational downward spiral that can only end in disaster. I saw it in his eyes, Joan."**

**Joan saw the deep concern in Sherlock's own eyes and turned away, knowing that his sense of things was on point as they made their way into the filthy fetid basement where Oscar lived.**

**There was no answer at his door, but Sherlock kicked the door in and they found Oscar unconscious on the floor, a needle in his arm.**

**"Damn! Sherlock, call for help!"**

**Joan began to work on Oscar, to try to revive him as Sherlock phoned 911.**

**After the ambulance came and took Oscar away, Sherlock and Joan stood in disbelief, exhausted emotionally by the sight of Oscar so near to death.**

**They called Oscar's wife with the news and then went to Bellevue Hospital to wait to see if Oscar could be pulled back from the brink.**

**"I can't believe it. We almost lost him, Joan. The man was a Fulbright scholar. I met him when he was at Oxford. And he has come all the way down to this, a fight to just live."**

**"He had you as a friend. That is what saved him. That is what I love about you . . . your compassion."**

**Joan leaned into Sherlock and they held hands tightly. **

**Oscar's wife got there just as the doctor was coming to give his report. Oscar was breathing on his own and it was time to decide the next best step for him.**

**"We, the children and I, we are going to let them detoxify him and send him to Hemdale. This is our best chance to save him."**

**Sherlock nodded and turned to Joan as Sylvia Hillman talked with the doctor about arrangements. **

**"I think everything is settling into place, Watson. We should leave now with Oscar safely in the hands of those who can help him."**

**Joan looked at Sherlock and saw that his hands were shaking. The whole episode had affected him greatly and now he was reacting to it.**

**"It is all right, Sherlock. You have done everything you could possibly do."**

**"That could have been me, if it were not for you, luv. That is what terrifies me." **

**They walked out into the cool evening air and Sherlock hailed a taxi for them to go home. As they rode home, Joan held Sherlock's hand and said nothing. But when they arrived back at the brownstone, Joan immediately set about making tea and taking steps to calm Sherlock's frayed nerves. Joan could still feel him trembling from dealing with Oscar's near death experience and she knew that she would have her hands full trying to help him calm down or he would be pacing anxiously all night.**

**"Joan, darling, that could gave been me. That is all I could think of, that fastidious brilliant man reduced to a filthy beggar by drugs. That was my state when my father put me in Hemdale. I was filthy and stinking. I had pissed and crapped in my pants and didn't even care. Can you imagine me like that?" **

**Joan had Sherlock sit on the sofa and Joan removed his shoes and socks and brought his old worn leather slippers and put them on his feet. Then she loosened his shirt buttons and his belt before going to bring him his tea.**

**She sat at his feet, offered him tea held with both her hands and Sherlock took the cup from her hand, closed his eyes, and began to sip the Earl Grey gratefully as Joan skillfully massaged his beautiful feet. They sat that way till Sherlock finished his tea and then Joan took the cup from him and lifted his feet onto the sofa. He had exhausted himself and finally fallen asleep. Joan spread a blanket over him and then propped herself against the sofa and fell asleep.**

**In the early morning hours Joan wakened to the sound of Sherlock sobbing in his sleep. She got up and gently wakened him and led him off to his bed, helped him out of his trousers and into bed.**

**"I'm sorry, Watson. I'm just not good tonight," Sherlock murmured as she relieved him of the rest of his outer clothes."**

**"It's all right, Sherlock. You saved him, and you saved yourself."**

**Joan climbed into his bed with him, drew the covers up over them, climbed onto him and rocked Sherlock in her arms till he began to snore softly. She had been thoroughly rattled seeing her man so affected by Oscar's overdose. The day had exhausted her, but she was in Sherlock's bed with his arms around her and that was enough for her**.


End file.
